Once upon a cliché opening, Morgan Freeman was doing voice acting for another god damn motherfucking Hillary Clinton propaganda advertisement. He was in his private studio in his private home in his private city in his private country in his private continent just off the West Coast. “Hi, I’m Morgan Freeman,” he said in his holy voice. “Vote Hillary Clinton for your Democratic nominee.” After that disgustingly bad statement, Morgan Freeman’s mic turned off and he turned to leave.
Just then, one of the following mystery suspects became a MacGuffin for the story.
Suspect 1: A purple dinosaur that goes by the innocent name of “Barney” as a lure to molest and feed children to his 7,097,126,877,301,842 bobbleheads.
Suspect 2: An angry Donald Trump endorser named Klein who was the brother of one of the women Bill Clinton definitely did not have sexual relations with.
Suspect 3: An angry 9 year old who got his ass handed to him in Counter Strike by Morgan Freeman.
Whoever did it, the MacGuffin tackled Morgan Freeman to the ground and cut open his neck, ripping out his vocal chords and sprinting off. Morgan Freeman gasped for air and attempted to call his good friend Samuel L. Jackson into the room because I needed my good black actors to be living in the same house, god dammit. He couldn’t. Some fucker had taken off with Morgan Freeman’s vocal chords!
The world was now in peril. Everyone had loved Morgan Freeman’s god voice and now it was gone. Nobody knew who had the vocal chords or where. Protesters marched on Washington, New York, Los Angeles, and whatever obscure town you want to name in Nevada. There’s more than just Vegas, you know. Buildings were burnt down. Protesters went into movie theaters and beat the shit out of people. World leaders were assassinated. Without the light (Did I mention that Morgan Freeman has a magnificent voice? Yes? Okay. Mr. Freeman, if you’re reading this, I hope you’re well. And I hope London Has Fallen doesn’t suck ass.) the world citizens stumbled around in blind darkness. Someone needed to rise up and get back Morgan Freeman’s vocal chords. You know what the world needed?
The world needed a leader.
It didn’t have one.
We were all fucked.
However, in the state of Colorado that is only known for weed, Tristan the Fatass would have to make his angry autistic roars be heard again. Yeah, he’s back. And this time, the world depends on a retard who shat his pants numerous times. You know he’s based on a real life person, right? It’s literally a world where Morgan Freeman has a voice that a fat Godzilla like retard is fighting for.
We were all fucked.
Despite his chaotic and murderous past, the world relied on him. It was his power and his power alone that could put an end to the thief of the vocal chords and the world’s chaos.
Tristan the Fatass was currently locked up in a large correctional/scientific facility in Idaho.
We were all fucked.
In said correctional facility, Tristan’s hard time was not affecting him very well. He was still fat (the scientists believed it was a genetic trait) but not monster sized. He was still retarded, but had managed to keep it mostly under wraps. It was hard to believe this was the same person who had eaten an employee in cold blood and completely wrecked an entire restaurant could look as diminished as he looked. I mean, compared to his Godzilla form. Would he fight for this world?
Yes. Once he was informed that his idol had his vocal chords ripped clean out, he became angry. Very angry. Like flipping tables in the science room because that bitch of a teacher won’t let you go to the bathroom when you’re about to piss/shit/”number 3” for the ladies angry.
The facility ordered a giant brick building filled with Tristan’s favorite foods for him to eat. Tristan ate with ferocity like no human has ever seen before. Before long, he was back to his Godzilla form. Screeching with rage, he and what remained of the United Nations military after the protests marched forward looking to stop the madness.
Keep in mind we still don’t know who’s causing this shit.
Did I mention we were all fucked? Because we were all fucked.
Before long, though, a new Hillary Clinton ad popped up… with Morgan Freeman’s voice. The tape he had been recording before had been destroyed in the scuffle, so who was doing it?
Well, there was a suspect 4.
HILLARY.
GODDAMN.
CLINTON.
After it was revealed she had stolen the vocal chords, Tristan and the United Nations Military set forth to arrest Hillary Clinton. However, her supporters were there to defend her, along with Bernie Sanders’ after he got his ass whooped on Super Tuesday. War was declared, and numerous great battles were fought.
The death toll rose. The fight seemed hopeless. Hillary was kicking ass, and not by 7 coin flips this time. Donald Trump and most other members of the GOP were ordered dead. Every meme that was made was unfunny and retarded. The “I hate sandcastles” meme with Success Kid flooded the Internet. Tristan needed to act, and fast.
Finally, Tristan and the United Nations military led a full-on assault on Clinton’s base in Liberal California. The battle lasted long and hard, but the United Nations kept the upper hand. Hillary Clinton knew that Tristan was probably going to be the one to kill her. So she climbed into her definitely not a Jaeger from Pacific Rim in order to finish off Tristan and her opposition. Punches were thrown. Faces were slapped. And Tristan tried to rape the definitely not a Jaeger from Pacific Rim in a fit of rage. Finally, when the smoke, dust and obliterated sandcastles by Success Kid (see how retarded that sounds, Facebook?) had settled, the definitely not a Jaeger from Pacific Rim lay destroyed on the street.
Tristan, in all his autistic rage, attempted to smash the Democrat like an ant, but he was stopped before he could. If he smashed Clinton right away, the vocal chords might suffer as well.
Hillary Clinton was then taken into custody. It turned out she had stolen Morgan Freeman’s vocal chords to spread campaign lies because everyone would listen to whatever Morgan Freeman had to say. She was initially going to be given the death penalty for the amount of chaos she caused, but the trial took place in Colorado, and I’m still waiting for Nathan Dunlap to die, so this might take a while.
Morgan Freeman got his vocal chords back, and everyone rejoiced. Peace and order was reestablished to the world, and everyone was happy once again. Except for the fact that some retards looked up to Tristan and there was a spike in heart attack deaths, so they were forced to do something about it.
Tristan was fed a burger loaded with arsenic, and because he’s a retard he couldn’t taste the difference. 14 seconds after he ate the burger, he dropped to the ground dead. They couldn’t recover the body because he was so fat he fell clean through the floor and ended up in the core of Earth, causing an earthquake in China. Fatass.
John Hickenlooper was now the Democratic nominee for president. Dr. Ben Carson was the Republican, and Carson whooped some shithead-who-refuses-to-give-the-death-penalty ass. He became a good president, but he wasn’t great.
Why?
Donald Trump was dead.
And so everyone except for those angry Clinton supporters and Clinton herself lived happy ever a cliché closing. Except wait, there’s more!
You may now proceed to imagine a cat dry humping Daniel’s white Vans. IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S RANDOM AHAHAHA!
Okay, now that I’m completely alone after that and I have no one left to tell the story to, everyone except for Clinton and her followers lived happy ever a cliché closing.